Love is Unpredictable

Its been along time since I have posted...
But I can't seem to get by these days with out breaking down.

Why is it that I can go 2 years with out having legitimate feelings for someone and then the second I do they walk out of my life...

Not that it matters, I mean, she is straight...and 16. But hey feelings are feelings right.

I knew that this would happen... that is why I chose not to talk to her before.

But she initiated it...and I couldn't stop....and talking can't hurt so whatever.

But no. Here I go falling for someone completely off fucking limits.

I don't even care about that... its the fact that there is a 90% chance that I will never see her again. fml. really. can't I just not ever have feelings for anyone? That would make my life so much easier right now... words can not describe the feelings I am having, and I don't think that I can cry anymore than I have.

Seriously. This week was bad enough.. I didn't need this to top it off.


I just love getting kicked when I am down.

friends

you're supposed to be able to go to them with anything. they are there to support you, love you, and help you. weither they agree with everything in your life or not.

48 hour days.

Im so tired of this 24 hour shit.
Lets make days 48 hours.
Okay. Got it. Good.

Its been awhile.

Oh where to start.
Last week I became productive for about 3.5 days. and today I am back to not wanting to get out of bed.
I didn't get the job that I interviewed for.
and I have still yet to find one. hopefully soon someone will call.

and the diet sucks. hopefully that will get back on track.

there are just alot of hopefullys right now.

disgust.

its been awhile since i posted. mainly because i have been trying to figure things out. actually, i have been doing everything in my power to not think, not want, not dream, not feel, not care.
unfortunatly its not working.
i care too much.
i feel too much.
i want too much.
i dream too much.
i think too much.

these seconds, these minutes, these hours, these days.
they remind me of why i cried, why i used, why i cut.

this feeling is the reason i would medicate myself to the point i could not feel. and then cut myself to remind me that i was still alive.

it is taking every ounce of my strenghth to not return to what i know, what it easy, what i know works.

i suppose i am more disgusted with myself than anything else.

today.

i have an interview. in one hour 16 minutes.
i really need the job. but if i get it i can't work at camp this summer. ugh. don't know what to do.

Alive for the first time.

My brain has been racing the last few days. Too much thinking going on for my liking. Can't sleep. Don't wanna eat. and its totally just stressin me out.
I have too many wants. too many dreams. too many ideas. im on over load.

Overly stressed.

I am coming to the realization that I will never be able to move to California. Or anywhere for that matter. I don't understand why money has to be so fucking important. It is the root of all of my frustrations recently.

I want to live a simple life. Let me show you how fucking simple.

-Live in Cali.
-Own a bar or even just work as a bartender.
-Be straightedge.
-Tattooed.

See simple.
No drugs, no drinking, no promescuity. Easssssy. Tatoos. EASY. Bartending. Easy. MOVING TO CALI. NOT EASY.

Thank god my music does not cost me a fortune. I'd die.

Feb. 2. 2010

Today was ok. I lost the diet competition to my mom though. Freaking beat me by .2%. Lame.
But I will beat her on the next 2. Yup Yup.

Today has also been good.
I don't think I have any deep thoughts for the day.
Just working on making my life good again.

:]

You.

Save.me.

Everyday.

I can not leave here I can not stay. Forever hauting more than afraid.

There are no flowers no not this time. There'll be no angels gracing the line.

Every breath I've taken since that day I owe to you. This song. Your words. Saved me. and I'll never get to thank you.

Evidentally

evidentally being gay is wrong.
having tattoos is wrong.
piercings? yupp they are wrong too.
So your saying if I don't look think and act like you I'm wrong.

WRONG.


Let me break it down for you.
People are born 'gay' they do not choose it. You honestly expect me to think that people chose to live a harder life, to do something that is not really needed? Love is love. Sex is sex. Gender is just a list that defines how people are supposed to be. It is not a negative thing. Some women choose to have short hair. Some choose to have long hair. Some men choose to have long hair. Some men choose to have short hair. I could go on and on with the list of choices that people make daily that either follow or don't follow the gender guidelines. Men don't need to love a woman. Women don't need to love a man. They aren't wrong. They are just different.

My tattoos and piercings don't affect you. In anyway. At all.

You are so quick to judge but you don't know me at all. and frankly I don't want you to. I find the comments you make abhorrent. You don't need to like what I do but you should sure as hell be respectful.

I am not a criminal. I am doing nothing wrong. If I miss out on something because of the choices I have made that just means that there is better things for me.

So please. Realize that unlike you I have no regrets. I don't need them. My friends and my music hold me up. I live it breathe it eat it. It is me.

Lets just pretend that nothing is broken.

Thoughts of the day. Lying to make someone happy is pointless. Personally I would rather have no memories if having memories meant that they were fake. Wouldn't you?

If falling in love means falling; I'll think I'll pass.

I don't need a certificate and an expensive ceremony to tell me that I love someone. Weddings are for the weak at heart. Those who need reassurance that they are making a good decision. Marriage is a religous event. Everything I believe and they way I live is unreligious. You can't say it is wrong to be homosexual. You can't say it is wrong to 'desecrate' thy body. It's not wrong. Everything I do has meaning to me. So no. Today I do not want to get married. I will not stop until I am done.


When I push the needle through my lip, that is all the reassurance that I need. There is nothing wrong with expressing myself. It is my body. I will do what I want. When I want. How I want. With whom I want.

I don't need to hear your opinions on how I will look like a freak. or not be professional. fuck that.













Now I shall be productive for the remainder of my day. Ha. Right.

Yesterday

Yesterday was the first day I have been okay in a week. I am trying to make today ok as well.
My main goal right now is to do things for the right reasons. I find it odd and frustrating that I was trying to instantly change things to be like them. Not that it wouldn't make me a better person. It just wouldn't be me.

The scariest realization in my life came the other night. I am fake. I don't know myself at all. Because I mold into what I think others want of me.

I partied because that is what they did.
I went to college because that is what they wanted. not what I wanted. I still don't want it.
I got a tattoo(I WANTED IT THOUGH) at a time when I thought it would get me points with him. And he doesn't even know I have it.

All of these things make me who I am today. But I don't like them. I haven't touched alcohol since August. and I haven't had a ciggarette in at least a month.

I used to be addicted to pain killers. I haven't used since November.
I cut myself. But its been weeks. Although I think about it everyday.

I am slowing getting better. The anxiety is there. and the depression is there. But I refuse to medicate myself. and my ways of coping were surely not working to my advantage.
I think about it alot. Where I would be at if I was still continuing on that path.

But for now I am taking it day by day. and yesterday was good. Let today be good too.

Brain conflict.

So I have a huge obstacle in front of me.
Let me lay it out for you:

I am on this diet right. Low carbs, no bread, no sweets, no chips, ect.
I want too loose 100 pounds. So far I have done 20 in about the last month and a half.
Now I am thinking about becoming a vegetarian. Problem #1. Me and my family hunt. Its not that I disagree with it, its just that, vegetarianism is how we are supposed to be. Humans are not made to eat and process meat in their bodies. Problem #2 I don't know what to eat. And I feel like if I'm going to put the effort into doing it that I should go all the way and be vegan. Hmmm. Brain conflict.

I'll update with my decision when I make it.

Insomnia.

Because I never sleep anymore I have been laying in bed thinking. I think I am going to start trying to be proactive:

proactive - (of a policy or person or action) controlling a situation by causing something to happen rather than waiting to respond to it after it happens.

I constantly worry about the consequenses of not doing something and plan ways to deal with it afterwards. I think now I am going to try to just do what I need to and get shit done.

I want to succeed in life, and I fear that I never will. And because my definition of success constantly changes, how will I ever know if I have succeeded.

Actually what is success?
Maybe I will live day by day and see where life takes me.

You might..

call me crazy but he is an angel to me right now. You might call me another crazed fan; and I might be. But in respect to him, I want to better myself. The more I learn about him, the more I realize about myself, and what a shitty person I am. How one person can have so much motivation and direction is beyond me. We could all learn alot from him, how to respect our body's and love ourselves. There are so many things I want to change about myself and I always tell myself that if I just change these things; I will finally be happy with my life. But I now realize that true happiness comes from with in and I can change things I don't like about myself for the rest of my life but that does not mean I will ever be happy. Just because my life is not where I want it to be, does not mean that I am failing, just that better things were ment for me.