48 hour days.

Im so tired of this 24 hour shit.
Lets make days 48 hours.
Okay. Got it. Good.

Its been awhile.

Oh where to start.
Last week I became productive for about 3.5 days. and today I am back to not wanting to get out of bed.
I didn't get the job that I interviewed for.
and I have still yet to find one. hopefully soon someone will call.

and the diet sucks. hopefully that will get back on track.

there are just alot of hopefullys right now.

disgust.

its been awhile since i posted. mainly because i have been trying to figure things out. actually, i have been doing everything in my power to not think, not want, not dream, not feel, not care.
unfortunatly its not working.
i care too much.
i feel too much.
i want too much.
i dream too much.
i think too much.

these seconds, these minutes, these hours, these days.
they remind me of why i cried, why i used, why i cut.

this feeling is the reason i would medicate myself to the point i could not feel. and then cut myself to remind me that i was still alive.

it is taking every ounce of my strenghth to not return to what i know, what it easy, what i know works.

i suppose i am more disgusted with myself than anything else.

today.

i have an interview. in one hour 16 minutes.
i really need the job. but if i get it i can't work at camp this summer. ugh. don't know what to do.

Alive for the first time.

My brain has been racing the last few days. Too much thinking going on for my liking. Can't sleep. Don't wanna eat. and its totally just stressin me out.
I have too many wants. too many dreams. too many ideas. im on over load.

Overly stressed.

I am coming to the realization that I will never be able to move to California. Or anywhere for that matter. I don't understand why money has to be so fucking important. It is the root of all of my frustrations recently.

I want to live a simple life. Let me show you how fucking simple.

-Live in Cali.
-Own a bar or even just work as a bartender.
-Be straightedge.
-Tattooed.

See simple.
No drugs, no drinking, no promescuity. Easssssy. Tatoos. EASY. Bartending. Easy. MOVING TO CALI. NOT EASY.

Thank god my music does not cost me a fortune. I'd die.

Feb. 2. 2010

Today was ok. I lost the diet competition to my mom though. Freaking beat me by .2%. Lame.
But I will beat her on the next 2. Yup Yup.

Today has also been good.
I don't think I have any deep thoughts for the day.
Just working on making my life good again.

:]