Love is Unpredictable

Its been along time since I have posted...
But I can't seem to get by these days with out breaking down.

Why is it that I can go 2 years with out having legitimate feelings for someone and then the second I do they walk out of my life...

Not that it matters, I mean, she is straight...and 16. But hey feelings are feelings right.

I knew that this would happen... that is why I chose not to talk to her before.

But she initiated it...and I couldn't stop....and talking can't hurt so whatever.

But no. Here I go falling for someone completely off fucking limits.

I don't even care about that... its the fact that there is a 90% chance that I will never see her again. fml. really. can't I just not ever have feelings for anyone? That would make my life so much easier right now... words can not describe the feelings I am having, and I don't think that I can cry anymore than I have.

Seriously. This week was bad enough.. I didn't need this to top it off.


I just love getting kicked when I am down.

friends

you're supposed to be able to go to them with anything. they are there to support you, love you, and help you. weither they agree with everything in your life or not.

48 hour days.

Im so tired of this 24 hour shit.
Lets make days 48 hours.
Okay. Got it. Good.

Its been awhile.

Oh where to start.
Last week I became productive for about 3.5 days. and today I am back to not wanting to get out of bed.
I didn't get the job that I interviewed for.
and I have still yet to find one. hopefully soon someone will call.

and the diet sucks. hopefully that will get back on track.

there are just alot of hopefullys right now.

disgust.

its been awhile since i posted. mainly because i have been trying to figure things out. actually, i have been doing everything in my power to not think, not want, not dream, not feel, not care.
unfortunatly its not working.
i care too much.
i feel too much.
i want too much.
i dream too much.
i think too much.

these seconds, these minutes, these hours, these days.
they remind me of why i cried, why i used, why i cut.

this feeling is the reason i would medicate myself to the point i could not feel. and then cut myself to remind me that i was still alive.

it is taking every ounce of my strenghth to not return to what i know, what it easy, what i know works.

i suppose i am more disgusted with myself than anything else.

today.

i have an interview. in one hour 16 minutes.
i really need the job. but if i get it i can't work at camp this summer. ugh. don't know what to do.

Alive for the first time.

My brain has been racing the last few days. Too much thinking going on for my liking. Can't sleep. Don't wanna eat. and its totally just stressin me out.
I have too many wants. too many dreams. too many ideas. im on over load.