Yesterday

Yesterday was the first day I have been okay in a week. I am trying to make today ok as well.
My main goal right now is to do things for the right reasons. I find it odd and frustrating that I was trying to instantly change things to be like them. Not that it wouldn't make me a better person. It just wouldn't be me.

The scariest realization in my life came the other night. I am fake. I don't know myself at all. Because I mold into what I think others want of me.

I partied because that is what they did.
I went to college because that is what they wanted. not what I wanted. I still don't want it.
I got a tattoo(I WANTED IT THOUGH) at a time when I thought it would get me points with him. And he doesn't even know I have it.

All of these things make me who I am today. But I don't like them. I haven't touched alcohol since August. and I haven't had a ciggarette in at least a month.

I used to be addicted to pain killers. I haven't used since November.
I cut myself. But its been weeks. Although I think about it everyday.

I am slowing getting better. The anxiety is there. and the depression is there. But I refuse to medicate myself. and my ways of coping were surely not working to my advantage.
I think about it alot. Where I would be at if I was still continuing on that path.

But for now I am taking it day by day. and yesterday was good. Let today be good too.